In The Moment

"When total opposites meet for the first time ever."

Three Things I Last Bought:
1. Cupcakes for Vinuth :)

2. some weird delicacies from the bakery :)

3. a phone ( well not really, but i decided to rub it in )

Three People I Want To Meet For The First Time:
1. nik, eventhough it wouldn't be the first time. but its been too long :)

2. Justin Timberlake

3. BILLY :)

Three Things I Ate This Morning:
1. Bread And Patte :)

2. frosties :)

3. thats it :)

Three Books I Last Read:
1. PS. I Love You

2. Nineteen Minutes

3. The Chalet Girl

Three Most Overused Phrases:
1. DUDE

2. pfft. so whatever

3. dont fuck with me

4. oh my god

Three Stupid Things I Did When I Probably Should’ve Known Better:
1. stayed with a guy who was treating me like shit

2. stayed out all night the night before an exam....grr, sounds unheard off now!

3. pigged out on mc d's because some guy dumped me.

Three Aims To Be Achieved This Year:
1. study extremely hard.

2. give up stupid things. :)

3. fall in love with someone worth while. (ohwait. i did)

Three Overdramatic Rumors Spread About Me:
1. that i cheated on my oh so loving bf *name* with two unknown guys.

2. told kesh that jenna was a slut

3. tripped a 80 year old woman ( okay. this wasn't mine, but its alright )

Three Misconceptions People Have About Me:
1. that im like 3 or 4 years older than what i actually am.

2. i dont know. i cant think!

Three Favourite Comfort Food:
1. Its not chocolate. so therefore its the next best thing. which is CANDY :)

2. French fries from Mc Donalds

3. Caramel Macchiato from Starbucks :)

Three Things I Should Be Doing Instead Right Now:
1. uhh. in school

2. studying.

3. sleeping :)




edit: If it wasn't for my perfection in life, you would probably be dead by now. And if so, you wouldn't be able to thank me! :) so therefore. you better be loving me wherever you are babe :)



listening to: Incubus - The Warmth



feeling: mello



craving: nothing.....






Count you're worldly blessings



au revoir

-pregnant ballerina- <3

I'd Cut Off Both Your Wings

" 44 Days, 18 hours, 23 minutes. "





The Benzodiazepine bottle is empty.
The blood drains out all other sights of the room.
The woozes of space fill up his stomach.



Walking into a trashed room,
to find,
his once a girlfriend strewn on the floor.
Naked.
Bleeding.
Pale



Dead




Benzodiazepine hadn't worked well.
She still went fanatical.
She still acted as though she was okay.
When she quietly suffered.
All her smile's, all her nights.
All fake.



Her hands were slit.
Here face was pale.
The ciggarette buds lie around.



Knowing that he left her.
Should have affected him.
Somehow.



He should have said 'I love you' when he had the chance.
He should have done everything in his power to keep their relationship.
All the should have's, would have's and what if's: dont matter anymore.


Mistakes. All done with.
Nothing more to say.
Nothing more to do.




Should he have taken her to the doctor?
Should he have taken away the Benzodiazepine from her?
Should he have wanted her everyday for the rest of his life?
Should he have said it back to her?
Should he have forgiven her?
Should he have continued to love her?
Should he have done anything at all for her?


Was she worth all of this?




Well.
I guess you'll never know after two days whether or not you were meant to love me!
I dont want to be your distant memory.
I dont want to love you from a distance.
I want you right here right now.
Loving me
Wanting me
Never leaving me




But wasn't it all too much to ask for?

edit: All in all. I made the biggest mistakes in my life. All in all. I find myself useless. All in all. I dont know how to forgive myself. All in all. How did i let you go?


PS:

i dont need phone calls. or encouraging text messages. that gives me hope to live another day. or to do something that will somehow elevate my mood.
and i dont need fucking roses that will somehow bring comfort to my eyes.
cause they bloody well burn from tears.
so please.
unless you have something nice to say.
dont say it at all!
:)




listening to : Incubus - Stellar




feeling: Depressed




craving: love




obsession: it was you from the day i met you, till today, so why cant we have a tomorrow?




I cant imagine life falling into place without you, as melodramatic as that sounds <3

You're It

your way out of reach now. because. you're no longer here. you were here. for the past year. since that very moment. when i told you. you confessed, much later, but you still did. so i took a step, i took a very bold step, i told you i wanted to see you, i told you i wanted to go out with you, i told you what i felt. embaressed to the core. let down a zillion times. i was willing to give it all to you.


you looked different. you looked estranged from one another. shocked. upset. confused. i couldn't tell by your facial expression. knowing that you still had her at the back of your mind. knowing that i was taking a chance. knowing i was about to fall so hard and so far back. i took that chance with you. i glanced over at you, for a brief moment. and you let out the sweetest smile. i could feel my knees go weak, i could picture that moment where you would reach out to me and kiss me so softly that i would wonder whether you did or not. i could feel my heart race as your smile glowed against the sunlight. a picture perfect moment for any girl.



you didnt. you didnt save me from my fall. you didnt let my soul at ease, you let me go crazy instead, wondering whether or not you still loved her. wondering whether you would run back to her and take her back. you led me on. that i wanted to believe in that magical day that you wouldn't and that you would pick me over her. that you would want more of me than her. you're history with her i would never know the extent of.



you amaze me. with your level of understanding. and at times. i wonder whether or not its all for me. when you were with her, i craved for you. not utterly, but that slight hint of craving that would awe struck me when i thought about you in the middle of class. i have never actually spent time with you. actual time. that would benefit us both. but the glint in you're eye. the smile that glows with the lasting impression of the sun.



i cant say "i love you". i can say "i like you" but not the love word. i haven't found myself at the point where i pine for you. i can see myself with you. vividly. i wonder whether you think of me before you go to sleep. i wonder whether you want me as badly as you wanted her. you shall be the footstep of an unforgotten memory. i shall lower my head in the presence of you. you status has a section itself. i can never measure up to that.




the aura or your sensuality is so mind blowing. the speeches. the self-declaration. the way you say "i'm the guy for you" in such a subtle way. knowing that i have been way over my head for the past 2 months, blowing away my fears with a flinch. prone to danger zones in the end, knowing that this can all fall away with a slight change of attitude. the distance. the little hours. all of it adds up. what will you be when you come back? what will i be when i see you.



i will be the same girl you met not too long ago. falling deeper and harder for you each time i serenade your name in my head. i'm fickle when it comes to you. i cant decide whether i should continue with this. i cant see myself holding out a rose to you after your show. but i can see myself holding your hand and talking to you. hugging you and looking up to you, and longing to spend just a few more hours with you. savor the moment i had with you. endlessly. i wince when i think of you holding me.



reading at what she has to say about you. the thought of you saying "i never stop loving you to her". i cant see myself now. no not now. where can i ever be in your life? she's all for you. what am i compared to her? nothing. zilch. nothing. would i ever be called "your girlfriend".



i looked over my shoulder. and saw my phone. it shone bright in the dark lit room i am sitting in once again. message tone rang. i reached over. grabbed it. and read the message. "You free sunday?". A thought ran through my head. even as i tried to avoid the inevitable, even as i tried to tell myself it was never going to happen. I find myself thinking of you. maybe all the time. maybe not. matter of fact is that you're still in my head.


i think very clear when it comes to you. right now. everything else is blurr-ed out! i can be anything you want me to be. and something a million times better than her. i assure you. get with me. and you'll see the sun out of the storms you've had with her.

from all the. if you were with me now. to the room thought. its only with you. knowing that you were true. and you've been true. and that you will probably be true is a great thing to think about! what i experience with you. i doubt i can experience with anyone else. after months 2 months. maybe 3. if you were a distant memory. i wouldn't have just had that conversation with you. if you were something i chose to push aside, i wouldn't have stooped down to the level of where i could barely even murmur 'i miss you'. i dont want you to have an alter ego when it comes to me. i dont want you to have a hidden identity. as painful as it is for you to let go of her. i think you have. we may have lust. we may have temptation. but i'm hell as glad that you've put her behind you, and that you can finally move on. as soon as i figure out my bearings with you, as soon as i've been in that room with you alone. we can walk out a new hand in hand and proud of what we have accomplished!

_________________________________________________________________

Things to do today:
1) Get Up
2) Survive
3) Go Back To Bed



i've decided to live life on a day to day basis
and oh well
we'll see how that goes :)



edit: I'm all for you now!


listening to: Cartel - Runaway


obsession: Rain


feeling: Moody


craving: Alcohol






I Love You More Than Anything In This World <3

Kavin, one of a kind!

one step forward, three steps back.

that's how i function around you!
that's how i process with you!





unsure of what to say next or when to say it.


i weave my fingers around yours hoping to feel the connection.
hoping to see the spark burst
hoping to see some form of life
yet all i see is your veins.
your green veins that show when your utterly mad and feel like killing something


i want to cut you up into a million pieces, loveable bitsize pieces.


truth is
i'm as dead to you as a corpse
and the only word i get from you
is
good for you



feelings come and go
but this hasnt passed
this hasnt even nearly surpassed the fact that i'm in love.
this time.
it stayed.

and if it did stay for good would you take a look at me again?



the uncountable number of times i burned you.
the uncountable number of times i left you hanging.
the uncountable number of times i hurt you
the uncountable number of times i swore you off.

i'm sorry
but as you've said a million times
'It's easy for you to say sorry' or ' You always say sorry'


where do i go
who do i see
when do i sleep
when do i cry
when do i get a shot




i will wake up tomorrow
and realize this all wasn't a dream
and that you weren't a waste of time.
but you will wake up tomorrow
to a new girl
a new life
a new person

To Jimmy. You will be missed. but not for long. i'll see you in the summer





and on a more personal note

In Remembrance Of Kavin

you were not only kesh's younger brother. but you were sort of like my brother. of same age. and of same problems. you always had the right thing to say.
you lived life exactly the way you wanted to, and you did all the right things.
you were an amazing person, and we all pay tribute to you tonight for being the role model. for whatever sadness we may grieve now, we know that you suffered alot more. having let go of you. having to move on isn't as simple as your brother thinks it is. you were more special to him than you know it.
In your famous words

To another world, to another life, let's drink up tonight for we have survived!


Another life, another man, another person, another friend.
When will the torturous pain of losing someone go away for me?

-Perspective-

" From another dimension, we were pretty damn good. But back here, we're as imperfect as Jane Doe with her hidden identity. "

Today's the day that Jimmy leaves.
Today's also the day we heard that Kavin is in hospital.
Today's the day of Carmen's Birthday.
Today's the day!

If we ever get through today to get to tomorrow.
I hope i find all comfort and hope in your arms.
I hope i wake up to a new beginning.
I hope i snap out of reality and dream of the never ending days.

If the earth shatters under us.
And all is taken away.
And we're stripped to the bone.
Do we have an identity?
Do we have a place in this world any longer?
Do we have anything to hide our hidden side of what we could be.
Do we have anything at all?

:) Happy Birthday Carmen :)

edit: No. I'm still not okay. In fact it got alot worse today.



listening to: Boys Like Girls - Heels Over Head




reading: the definition of life




obsession: rain




feeling: sore all over




craving: ciggarettes.



I'm still contemplating death, and you're still not around and barely even reachable. <3

Unmistaken

: You're now the past, and there is no future. What does it feel to loose something you couldn't quite hold on to for more than a second:




It's over. So over.

I'm not sure anything i say right now will make me feel better.
First of all.
I dont need a gallon of people calling and saying sorry.
Cause it's not your fault. And also. It's my life.



Well.
Freedom
It definetely is.
What do i do after this?




so i wont be blogging till i have the mood too :)
oh well
happy holidays
or whatever the fuck i say now :)







Loathe in my depression
And smoke crack!

Until You Cant Walk

I gulp down every last pill in the bottle.
The bottle now empty,
i wonder why i did it for you?


The scars beneath my shirt are crying out in pain,
yet i dont attend to it.
The blade as slick as a cat,
it cut me right open.
And how do you repay for that?


By telling me i'm not good enough
By telling me i'm useless
By telling me i'm stupid!


The blood stains soak up my shirt.
I freeze and trace back my steps.
I yelled.
I sweared.
I screamed.
I wailed.
But none with you.


I've never shown you that i hurt too,
i've never shown you that i bleed too,
i never show you that i am internally bleeding and heave out tears for you.


All for you
None for me



The fights
The tantrums
The uberpainful words that you utter
The dumb responses
The late night hang up's
All
Have a grip on me



The cure to living is by not breathing you in
Raging hormones, and insensual needs.
It all boils down to the way you treat me.
The way you bite me bitter.


My delirious side takes over.
And for a brief second i believe all can be perfect with you.
Reality the kicks in.
And i gulp down another 10 pills.


Why isn't it effective enough?
Do i need more?
Do i need more cuts to be able to deal with the situation?
Does blood need to flow to show you i love you?


In my mind i tell myself to fight the pain.
I tell myself it will all be worth it.
I tell myself that you will change one day.


That one day never comes.
That one day will never show.
The one day wont be soon enough.


It's a disease.
In which i suffer from.
The cure.
Pain.
Eternal, Endless Pain.



The numbness sets in.
My body becomes rigid.
The fact that i'm unable to move a limb seems to bring pleasure to me.



All your death threats.
All your false accusations of how i dont have guts to do so.
Well. I've done it tonight
Just to prove you wrong.


With the water running, and as nausea steps in.
I feel like throwing up all my feelings for you.
The pills have had no effect.
I choose not to succumb to happiness tonight.
I chose not to listen to you tonight.


The side effects of biterness is the sweetness of what comes next to life.
Though you may not see that you're the one i relied on.
I hope you know that i did fall in love with you
And that i chose to stay with you
Because i believed in you

All those wasted nights i decided i would do everything
Well, they never did work.
And all i did was.
Lie to myself.
And made myself believe in something that was never going to happen.


I force myself not to cry.
I force myself not to call you
I force myself not to think that you're the one.


Yet,
You still are!



Wherever you go in life,
I hope you know that i hurt myself most for you.
I might not have said it to you ever.
But i do love you.
And falling in love with you was the most painful thing to do.


But i'm glad it ends soon.

edit: I still need you. Like i did 35 days ago.


listening to: Jamie Scott - Made


reading: blank pages


obsession: nothing


feeling: numb


craving: life




We've taken pills, yet i'm still contemplating death <3

Oh Snap.

" Have you seen happiness at your doorstep? No? Really? Oh well, here we are :) "

You can feel people staring, it's like heart that rises from the pavement during the summer, like a poker in the small of your back.
You don't have to hear a whisper, either, to know that it's about you.

I used to stand in from of the mirror in the bathroom to see what they were staring at. I wanted to know what made their heads turn, what it was about me that was so incredibly different. At first couldn't tell. I mean, i was just me.

Then one day, when i looked in the mirror, i understood. I looked into my own eyes, and i hated myself, maybe as much as all of them did.

That was the day i started to believed they might be right.


'Jodi Picoult - Nineteen Minutes'


i feel like a lost bird at bay
i feel like i have nothing to live for
i feel like i should actually not take meds and consider death
i feel like your not the answer to my problems anymore
i feel like your my problem
i feel like i should kill myself
i feel like i should take a walk and hope that a car runs me over
i feel like this girl who has no soul and has lost her way in the woods
i feel like there is nothing you can say
i feel like i'm the useless one when you're the asshole
i feel like i should end this
i feel like it's not worth it
i feel like i shouldn't talk to you
i feel like i shouldn't say i love you
i feel like i should say goodbye now



"Goodbye"




edit: no where to go, no where to be seen.


listening to: Global Deejays - One Night In Bangkok


reading: your messages


obsession: cigarettes


feeling: shitty


craving: cigarettes



I'll take the fall as soon as your not looking <3


au revoir


- pregnant ballerina -

Scurvy :)

Real name:
- Philippa

Nickname:
- phil

Married:
- of course! :)

Male/Female:
- no shit. female -___-

High school:
- Cempaka International

College:
- I haven't decided. and yes kesh. thats how cool i am :)

Short or long hair:
- My hair's long!

Are u a healthy freak:
- When it comes to food, then yes. but exercise wise, i'm not that good.

Height:
- idk

Do u have a crush on someone?:
- mm. well yeah. wait now. cause i'm already married to him :).

Do u like yourself:
- i believe that you have to like yourself before anyone else can like you. um. its kinda like that saying that i dont remember now :)

Piercings:
- wouldn't you like to know :)

Righty or Lefty:
- I'm normal. so i'm a righty :)



FIRST


Surgery:
- oshit, its none of your business :)

Piercing:
- Idk. but i remember going with my dad. how cool :)

Person you see in the morning:
- before my friends in school? umm my dog. :)

Award:
- When i won some race shit in 4th grade.

Sport you join:
- Swimming.

Pet:
-i cant remember :).

Vacation:
- melbourne when i was 1.5 or 2 years old :)

Concert:
- some gay philharmonic orchestra when i was 10.

First crush:
-my brother's best friend. when i was in like 5th grade.



CURRENTLY


Eating:
- nothing

Drinking:
- milo.

I'm about to:
- take a shower and watch TV.



YOUR FUTURE


Want kids:
- of course. i am a kid lover

Want to get married:
- Totally!

Careers in mind:
- photography, law, journalist, writer. omg. i have so many!

Which is better? Lips or eyes?:
- Eyes :).

Hugs or kisses:
- I like hugs

Shorter or taller?:
- Taller :)

Romantic or spontaneous:
- Hard to decide. so Both :)

Sensitive or loud:
- oh. trust me. i'm most definetely both :)

Troublemaker or hesitant?:
- err. troublemaker :)



HAVE YOU EVER


Kissed a stranger?:
- yes :) woah!.

Drank bubbles:
- no. why would i?

Lost glasses/contacts:
-yes. like a gazillion times

Ran away from home:
- no. but i've thought about it


Liked someone younger:
- no

Liked someone older:
- yes :)

Broke someone's heart:
- yeah.

Been arrested:
- not yet :)


Cried when someone died:
- yes. i have.



DO YOU BELIEVE IN


Yourself:
- yessss :)

Miracles:
- yeah i do :)

Heaven:
- yes

Santa Claus:
- no

Magic:
- omg. yes. after watching my best friend perform this trick. it's awesome :)

Angels:
- i am one!



ANSWER TRUTHFULLY


Is there someone you want to be with right now?:
- yes. i want to be with him :(

Do you believe in God?:
- who doesn't?








_________________________________________________________________



cause i'm bored as fuck :)

You Know Its Best

" Cause your sneaky pride gets to you. "

Vicodine bottles left lying around.
Cigarette buds in the ashtray & sink.
Vodka bottles broken & strewn across the tiled floor.
Smelling of smoke & puke.


You could barely recognize who lived there.
As she stepped on broken bottles and plastic cups she realized how much damage it had all done.
The wreaking smell of puke whistled across from the bathroom.
The door ajar and light blinking, the place looked abandoned to her.


If she hadn't lived & owned the place, she wouldn't have bothered cleaning up.
the stench of rotten pizza and the atmosphere of another high school party had brought stomach clenching memories to herself.
As she picked up the remains of food that once tasted good but now whch looked like a mixture of puke and shit which she placed in a huge black bag.
By the time she went through the three bedrooms, two bathrooms, one living room, one pool area, backyard and kitchen, she had three trash bags of food alone.


It could have fed the whole of Africa.
But who was she to be a hypocrite now?
After picking out remains of food she mopped the floor.


With her hair tied up glasses over her head, short black pants, and a baggy raggy tee shirt that had looked so damn good on her, she cleaned her disgustingly dirty, trashed up apartement.
The heat in the outside world wasn't affecting her.
The blazing sun's rays wasn't getting to her in anyway.
She was a little rich bitch that lived in air conditioning twenty four - seven.


She prepared herself a martini after mopping the stained parque.
Work was tedious as hell on her.
She had lived the life of luxury growing up. In a huge mansion on a farm by the beach side



She went to a private dance school, and was utterly pampered by her parents.
Boyfriend's came and went like the flying pigs, but her last was her best.
Attending college a million miles away from home, with new found friends, and more surprisingly best friends she lived alone in a three bedroom apartment that her parents had given her as a key to life.
The only living impersona that lived with her was her dog - Gus.



After her apartment was spotless clean and smelled of pot pourri, she lit up her cigarette and sat on her patio with Gus on her lap, looking out into the city.
City lights were bright, they never died around here, and she was glad for that.
The pang of hunger struck her and she smelled her friendly neighbour whip up something exquisite.


She hadn't lived here for very long, approaching four moths, with monthly visits back home. She had never thought her dad would send her away so far, but he had remarked on her independency throughout high school and thought she was matured enough.



She lay her fingers on the walls of her apartment as she slowly led herself to the end of the hall, and into her soothing cream coloured bedroom.
She turned on her shower, and lay Gus on her bed.
She remote controlled her wardrobe open and picked out what she were to wear out that night.


She picked her Guess flats, Topshop knickers, her embroided with diamonds La Senza bra, her miss sixty jeans and a lazy top from Cape Cod.
She slipped off her clothes, and as they fell to the floor, the sound of Mozart turned on.
She lay in her bath tub for about fifteen minutes, enabling the amazing smelling oil essentials to seep through her body.



After her relaxing tub time, she turned on her shower full blast and let the flow of the water hit the tender skin coarsely.
She scrubbed down her body in mango soap, and rinsed her hair in daisy shampoo.
As she dripped wet across her bedroom floor, her phone started to ring.
As she dragged herself across the room, Gus jumped down from bed and ran to her side for cover.



Alan was calling.
For the first time in months.
She put her phone on loudspeaker and listened to the sound of his background while she roamed around her room.


'Babe,' he yelled over the top of his voice.
'Hi Alan,' she managed to mumbled before picking Gus up.
'Do you have plans tonight?' he muttered angrily.
'Not really,' she whispered, hoping he'd hear her wrong.
'Great, i'm coming to pick you up now.' pause. silence.
'Right, bye then.'
Before she could say anything, he hung up.
She free-ed Gus from her hands as she paced across the floor to her enormous bed.




She could fall into bed and fall asleep now.
She was dead tired.
She had subconciously decided that she was neither dressing up or down for him.
As she fixed the last buckle on her belt, and puled tight on the string of her blouse a loud thud came from outside her apartment.


Whilst walking to her front door, a double knock came, and a loud. 'Hello Kylie', from the closed wooden double door.
She let Alan in, but walked back to her bedroom before saying anything to him.
While putting on her make up, she thought of all the possibilities that could happen tonight.





edit: I know what it's like having to wake up every morning praying for something better.



listening to: Boys Like Girls - Heels over head.



reading: Jodi Picoult - Nineteen Minutes




obsession: Bacardi





feeling: obsessive compulsive






craving: sleep



I'm at the bar with him <3



au revoir

-pregnant fat ballerina-

Made Room For Me

" Cause we're as cool as ice :). "



The overwhelming feeling of something so important when it comes to an end is indescribable.
When all you have left is your dreams and what brings you satisfaction in them, you cant help waking up the next morning trying to imagine when something like that is going to happen in real life.
You cant always hide out in your comfort zone waiting for the right time to step off your high horse. Eventually, instinct kicks in and you do realize that fairytales always begun when you imagine the perfect life.
When do you ever get tired of putting on a fake and plastic smile?
When do you ever get tired of getting hurt?
Sacrifices is what you do in a relationship
Sacrifice is what we've done in ours.


Sometimes you live in denial and wish for everything to go away.
Sometimes you speak the truth and stumble upon your own words.
You do what your suppose to do and pray to god its not a mistake.
You set goals and accomplishments for yourself which you fail to succeed in.


Every now and again you think about yourself. You think about the ways you could have saved yourself the eternal despair of sorrow.
Though, you didn't want it to happen that way. It did!
Irreversible mistakes.
When all you think about is making it better and nothing else could matter.


Where do you go from there?
Hanging on by a loose thread,
holding on so tight.
Don't let me go.
Don't give up on me.
Don't walk away tonight.


__________________________________________________________

She doesn't give into temptation.
She's so much stronger now with him


Everyday there's a little more.
There's a little more love.
There's a little more lust.
There's a little more desperation.
And everyday, she tries harder to prove that she is perfect.


Sitting at home, after a long day she wonder if he might ask today how her day went.
She wondered if virtual insanity existed over the phone.
Her phone beeped.
Her text tune rung.
She listened till it ended.


She grazed the keypad with her password and clicked read.
Her chest tightened.
Her lips trembled.
The sides of her mouth curved and formed a smile.
And there it was right before her eyes.
"Baby, how are you? I miss you."


From vague thoughts she couldn't remember the last time he said that.
Eager to reply, she sat down on her table and furiously typed out her reply.
Excited by enthusiasm from him was a great change.


___________________________________________________________


Where would you find me tonight?



edit: My fairytale ending was never what it seemed. Until tonight



listening to: Backstreet boys - Just want you to know



reading: Economics - chapter 8 :)



obsession: empty glass



feeling: jovial



craving: freedom!




Would you ever say you would like to take a walk with me? <3

Purely affectionate

" Not everyone knows how to get there, but when you do, you just live for the moment. "

i'm still in the mood for you
i'm still in the mood for saturday
i'm still in the mood for your affection

:)


i know i love you!





you make my day so much better
*as cliched as that sounded*



listening to: Incubus - Circles


feeling: loved


obsession: none


craving: him!



And the answer will be found! <3

Glimpse of what could be

" Without love i wont survive "

Your unbreakable promise had me up for hours.
The colorful sky you helped paint
The mystery you solved.




I sit here waiting
wondering
pacing
contemplating
what my very next move would be
what my very next word would be
i guess all i can think about would be


you



Incubus - Love Hurts
Tonight we drink to youth
And holding fast to truth
(I don't want to lose what I had as a boy.)
My heart still has a beat
But love is now a feat.
(As common as a cold day in LA.)
Sometimes when I'm alone, I wonder
Is there a spell that I am under
Keeping me from seeing the real thing?

Love hurts...
But sometimes it's a good hurt
And it feels like I'm alive.
Love sings,
When it transcends the bad things.
Have a heart and try me,
'cause without love I won't survive.

I'm fettered and abused,
I stand naked and accused
(Should I surface this one man submarine?)
I only want the truth
So tonight we drink to youth!
(I'll never lose what I had as a boy.)
Sometimes when I'm alone I wonder
Is there a spell that I am under
Keeping me from seeing the real thing?

Love hurts...
But sometimes it's a good hurt
And it feels like I'm alive.
Love sings,
When it transcends the bad things.
Have a heart and try me,
'cause without love I won't survive.

edit: we are in perfect harmony darling!



listening to: Incubus - Love hurts



feeling: Good



obsession: Incubus




craving: freedom




Cause without you i wont survive <3

The Romance Lights Switched On

" Dont whatever me bitch! "

" You're killing my baby! "

" Sunburst baby! "

" And yes, i do admit, it was my princess fairytale moment! "

I think i've fallen in love
I might have fallen in love
Being around you wasnt easy
neither was it pleasing.




Thanks for the day
Thanks for the time
Thanks for the smile
Thanks for the hugs



With everything said
i do love you
but you make it harder!



edit: I love you in every aspect of who you are to me!


listening to: Incubus - Stellar


ps: INCUBUS CONCERT ROCKED TOE SOCKS BITCH :)


feeling: dumfounded


obsession: Ciggarettes


craving: non attentional facilitation rehabilitation!



As long as the star is shining, you'll always be in my heart! <3

Oh yes. You do look like my Next Best Friend

" You tell a person by character and not what they have or will achieve. "

Alot of people are shits boring.

No seriously.

I think i live a pretty good life. I'm always going out and doing stuff.

Okay, maybe thats a bit psychotic.

But i reckon its better than staying at home and doing nothing.

:)

So i had my science, economics (mcq) and another structured accounting paper.

So lets skip the first two and talk about the accounting paper

I reckon i passed :)

go genius me!

but

i feel bad.

cause i dont think i should have done it.

cause isra and amanda didnt really do it.

i mean, isra only did the t-account part thing.

and i did the balance sheet and trial balance and most of the definition questions.

but i got pissed off cause i had forgotten how to calculate net profit!

gah!

So besides my stupid science and economics paper.

omg btw!

my economics paper was soooo stupid!

issssssh!

it was just mcq. but of course my smoke-aholic teacher got all the questions from past year papers. like dude. none of us have done past year papers for econz, then test us on it. PFFFT!

it was HARD.

and science. hmm. i think if i studied a bit more i might have actually done well.

I realized. im such a pessimistic. no seriously. i keep saying im gonna do well next term.

but that has yet to happen.

and you wonder why i babble a whole lot about exams and studies eh?

and amanda's got me sacrificing one thing for easter.

no swear words :)

so no swear words for me.

it better work

otherwise i'm going to burn in hell. according to her.

haha

so all my hard papers are over. well minus the fact that we have another accounting paper and my last two econz paper on the very last day. which just totally kills my whole plan of sleeping after i get back from school everyday next week!

do you see how school could kill?

no seriously!

so good luck to me and whoever else that plans to study this weekend

SUNBURST IS LESS THAN 24 HOURS AWAY

WOOOOHOOOOOO!

______________________________________________________________

The very thought of you and me all over again disgust me.

Like toilet paper you use once, you re-use again.

Every part of me tells me this is wrong.

But i'm still drawn

i'm still tempted

i'm still distracted.

The time taken up in a day to think of you

the time taken up in a day for me to miss you

the time taken up in a day for me to want you

the time taken up on you is truly a waste of time?

my daily counting's of the time to pass

the inheritence i wish i didnt have from you

the moments i wish i was never alive

most of it if not all with you.

i labelled myself for you

i called myself out of my perfect life for a moment just to hear what you had to say

i discovered that i was pretty damn normal till you came about

thats when things got messy

thats when things got ugly

you talk about love like its rocket science

you talk about it like we have to solve the equation in order to get happiness
you make me feel like this fucktard that has no reason whatsoever in your life.


and dont get me started on your attitude.
you really have attitude problems
and it's so weird.
cause you have anything & everything to say to any other girl
but with me its always "can you say something"
its bloody annoying




if i hadnt met you
where would i stand tonight
i hadnt got with you
what would you be doing tonight
if it wasnt for me
what habits would you still have
if it wasnt for you
what would my happy level be at?

sometimes. your a distant memory. a thing i dont want to have to remember for that moment. something i wish i had never had to deal with.
then
you creep up and say something nice
and i fall
and forgive you and forget the feeling i had before.
is this love?
will it ever be love?
could you love like how you loved your ex
could you talk about me to another person like how you tell me about your ex
will i ever measure up to you?




i dont want to wake up another morning and have to deal with the same problem i had last night. i want to have it solved and fixed. i dont know what else there could be with you? what other surprises would you bring to the table.




i feel like the lost soldier, trying to find its way back to campsite. through the fights, fury, injuries, happiness, silence, awkward moments.







i have fallen in love with you.

edit: show off that body you got!



listening to: Vanessa Carlton - Hands On Me



feeling: self-obsessed



obsession: sunburst!



craving: youuu!

I want to know you for you! <3




au revoir

-pregnant ballerina-

cause we're cow's!

" my pregnant ballerina retardo friend that i so love and have gotten affected by "



i'm talking to ishraaa now!
we're suppose to be massively studying for combine science, accounting and economics and bla bla bla. whatever fuck papers we have next week. but instead we're online and chatting :)

GOD BLESS US!


so. the whole butterfly less thing has rubbed off on me.
thanks alot ishraa! *rolls eyes*
so my butterflies have officially been extinguished as of today.
take note of the date :)


i'm listening to soulja boy and some other songs which are on my top 25 played songs. haha and their all such weird songs :) blame the emo-ness now!


so today during the malay exam. aer and aqua combined. cause there's hardly any of us in aqua doing malay. so we combined. and it was worse than yesterday.
julian, derrick and gary were talking non stop.
and then they would say something ridiculously funny or absolutely dumb and we'll all break out in laughter.
so we had ms natasha. the 7th grade, 8th grade and i think 9th grade computer teacher. and she's really nice. but i think she found us bemusing (is that a word?)
so yeah. we were noisy asses for malay exam :)
and i kept telling amanda
'Arent you so glad our class is not like this?'
hahaha. no offence to aer people :) you guys are still absolutely fabulous. but we thought we were noisy in aqua. i guess not :)
so while we were doing our malay paper in the aer class. ishraa and jon were watching the ring.
i do not know what is up with her and scary movies. seriously.
anyways. she did a photoshoot for the cempaka ladies college yesterday :)
she's that pretty :)
so back to exams
oh and math sucked cock!


owait. when does it not for me?
and accounting was sorta okay.
but ishraa had passed up the paper in like 15 minutes.
damn woman!
we are so passing EVERYTHING for final term :)
and ishraa likes the mango juice which basically has nata de coco in it. which is horse semen. so wtf?


anyways.
my dad's being really understanding with the whole exam thing
and i'm being so thankful for him right now.



so i have no idea what to do now
whether i should go study
or
i should go sleep
the bed calls out
but so do the books
geez.
i wish i wasnt such a study freak
incase you didnt know
i actually like studying
i know im freaky btw :D


so isra sent me this bumper sticker and it says
Okay so....theres this thing called retard-ness and me and you? well we've gone pro.

See It Through My Eyes

......and if you reached ahead and grabbed me i would just stare at you like the space alien you are







Right now.
I have absolutely no feeling
Its been less than 24 hours that i've gone without having a proper conversation with you
And i'm already going crazy
Do you see how reliant i am on you now?
No seriously
You've become that thing that i didnt want you to become, and yet, i still cant admit it to you.



Is it out of fear?
Is it out of respect?
Is it out of due accusation?




My twinkle toes feeling have failed me
again
and it only does when it comes to you
which is disgustingly disturbing
i hate this
i dont hate you
and i dont wish for you to die
eventhough i quietly wished that today
so why dont you come get me now?
or message me
or better still call me.




I dont know what goes through your mind.
I dont know if you actually miss me.
I know i should believe you by now.
But its a bit hard after all those things you've said to me.
I should trust you.
I should respect whatever you want to do.
I mean, i do. But you usually do dumb things.
Doesnt me interfering in your life show you that i care for you?







I'm visiting my fairytale wonderland
where you and i are perfect
where we are extremely happy
and where you whisper sweet serenities into my ear and mean it
and the undiscoverable world where you dont think im useless




i dont know how to live like this
or how you do it either
i dont know how you think im so stupid
when i know exactly what you do
i dont know how you lie to me
when i know what you say to her
i dont know why i do this to you
or why i do it to myself.

i know my heart and it will never change
this temp work would be alright if you'd call me
you'd call me
i lay awake at night for you
and i pray

we'd cross the deepest oceans
cargo across the sea
and if you dont believe me
just put your hands on me

and all the constellations

shine down for us to see
and if you dont believe me
just put your hands on me

edit: is it times up yet?



listening to: Vanessa Carlton - Hands On Me



feeling: lost




obsession: nothing




craving: freedom





Unleash your chains from me, its time i take a step back and overview what i've done wrong <3