Not Having You Here

: Isra's Gary. Philippa's Mary. And two balls with eyes and lips and hands and legs both holding hearts. One shaded. One not :

So I've listened to Simple Plan, Ray J, Eric Clapton, The Umbrellas, Fort Minor, Heidi Spencer today. And basically, they haven't made me feel better!
I wonder why.



I had an okay day
waking up at 12
lazily doing nothing at all!


____________________________________________________________


I'm in between the reality of what's true and what i dream off at night
I lay in bed every night hoping and praying that i would know tomorrow.
But i wake up with the same feeling.
There's a part of me that's missing.
There's a part of me that does not want to be filled.
You think it would be easier now.
You think i would know the answer to my own questions
But i dont.
I'm still lost
I'm still waiting to be found.
The absence is meant to be filled.
This loss is meant to be found.
You are meant to be here!
I dont quite know if you're it.
I dont quite know if you're the one i need.
I toss and turn in bed.
Breaking out in cold sweats.
Trying to decide.
Trying to picture you in my mind.
But the picture is so vague.
It becomes vague each day.
And you're words don't seem to help.
I seek for you're kindness and patience.
I long for your embrace.
All to find myself wanting you all over again.
Not sticking to my plan of getting what i want and then getting the hell away.
I hate being like this
I hate feeling like i have an absolute use to you, and that's why i stick around.
The outcome of it all, usually being negative, usually not very pleasing.
So here goes nothing
I bare myself to you
I show you every inch of my body and soul
And there you go
Taking advantage
Oh well
Its a once in a lifetime thing
I would marry you if i could
Like i told you
Its not easy
But
I convince myself that someday soon you will realize that i am perfect
And i tell myself that you will love me half as much as i love you if not more.
Because, we're both intellectually smart.
And we can figure out a way to stay happy without drugs.
Soon enough
The drama's will be over.
Someday soon enough
We will live in the lavish house i've dreamed off, with all the things we want and need.
And we'll live the life we're made out to for.
Here i go again
Wishing, Dreaming, Fantasizing about our future.
All of this will eventually not work
and i know all about things not working out in the end.
oh well
if it does work out
i'll read back and remember how much i doubted you
I still loathe you
I still somehow semi-hate you
I still am madly and truly upset with you
I still am BLANK for you!



edit:

The space around me has shrunk reasonably, chlostrophobia is something you can suffer from now. Disorder is what you may experience now. Brain Damage is something you can die from now!
My inappropriate space has led me to think that i shall die alone tonight!


listening to: Red Hot Chili Peppers - Other Side


feeling: lost



obsession: nolita fairytale ending!



You push me up against the wall, and kiss me passionately, no longer pretending to love and care for me, and doing it out of will, compassion, statement and best of all, real love. <3