If You Couldn't Be The Best

I'm at that place where i look out into the city full of people, and wonder how and why i got here.
I'm at that place where pain is no longer an issue.
I'm at that place where judgement is no longer passed.
I'm at that place where fairytales and happy endings actually exist.
I'm at that place where all you're dreams come true.

I'm damaged
I'm destroyed
I'm depressed
I'm unhappy
I'm worthless
I'm lonely


______________________________________________________________

Right now. She's taking a very different perspective at life. She can no longer be numb to things i once was. Cause for the first time. It does make a difference. Everything makes a difference.
She love kids. People that know her well enough would know this. She can deal with kids of almost any age. And she takes very good care of them whilst babysitting. She has always dreamed up her life of what it would be like when she did finally have kids. And how drastic her life would change. And how much happiness it would bring.


No longer can she walk in that dream. And continue dreaming. And hoping. She cant have kids.
She cannot participate in an event that is well known as pregnancy. She broke out in tears. Hoping, wishing, maybe her hero would come save her. Instead, he stood at a distance and just watched her cry.


She still has pride. She still has dignity. She still has that standstill effect on people. Physically and emotionally she is scared but she has to put on her brave face and face everybody else outside.
Escorted out by her best friend. Who is now not sure of what to say to her either. She just wishes that she could run. Run and run and run and not look back on this day. She just needs the epidemy of freedom. But that's not about to happen.



________________________________________________________________

I no longer know where i stand
I no longer care
I no longer want you to want me
I no longer need you to need me
I no longer want to be happy
I no longer want to do fun stuff
I no longer want to look pretty


because...

Not knowing where i stand is so much better
Not caring is the best
You not wanting me is fine by me
You not needing me is fine by me
I dont need happiness, cause its something i wont get
Fun stuff is shit
I can look ugly and be perfect to myself.




Can you already tell? I'm depressed. Underpaid. Overloved. Undercared. Overreactive. Pressurized and loosing all forms of what could be sanity





I want you for you
I need you for you
I love you more than anything else
And right now i'm not ready to loose you
I'll fight for you, but not with you.
I'll trust you
I'll lean on you
I'll do anything you ask me to do
cause right now
i'm utterly and truly devoted to you
BUT STILL
you dont see
and still
i get hurt
why do i put myself through this bullshit day in day out.
Why haven't i given up
I love you more than myself
I need you more than anything else
I want you more than anything else
You are the only thing that keeps me afloat
Lets keep it that way



edit:

There are moments in our lives where we find ourselves at a crossroads.......



quote:

Under the serenity of light you see something perfect.




listening to: Incubus - Echo



feeling: numb



craving: famous amos!




obsession: INCUBUS :)






I'm craving for the last bit of you before i die in my sleep tonight, could i please have that? <3