We're killing time like it cant wait another day

: This is Arthur, on the drums. And Derrick on the bongo thinga ma jig :

The subtle difference in your tone didn't put my heart at ease.
Yet i somehow found a way out of your life,
and into the path of darkness.



You might still be laughing it off with your friends,
you might still be needing me.
But you no longer have me.



The sleepless nights, the endless days, the recuperations from rough nights, the absolute waste of time, the oh so loving fake bonding time.
All of it.
Ends when i say it does.



I'm not read to end it.
But soon when i do.
You'll realize that i've done it for good.
And if then you think twice about the whole thing.
It'd be too late.


your mistakes.
my heartbreaks.
all in all
i'm a sucker for everything to do with you



_______________________________________________________


your hands stop shaking. you drop the bottle. you stare as it rolls around the tiled floor. and you wonder what you just did.
you look out the window. you see the crowd gather.
you get up to gather yourself and look decent enough. you stand. and your knees give way. and you fall with a thud.
lying on the floor, you wonder if its really worth it to use strength and energy to get up and try again. you see the ciggarette buds. its stops you. you reflect back.
to all the disasterous fights. to all the unforgettable moments. to all the screams. to all the yells. to all the unforsakeable differences you once had with him.
you know you shouldn't be like this. you know you should be better. you know you should pull it together and work up the courage to tell yourself that your better off without him. but in the end. its what you feel. and when you feel your ready.
he didn't force you out of his life. he had you around like a toy. the choice was either to be his toy or the better person. you, yourself opted the better person. looks like you failed yourself. your no longer noticeable. your barely recognizable.
you take a look at your body. and you bones are visible. you've tremendously lost weight. on usual circumstances, you would give yourself a pat on the back for having lost so much weight. but right now. you knew what was wrong.
you whisper his name. looking around the room. hoping to find him somewhere in the room.
you wish he was out there worrying about you. you wish he would call. you wish he was the only one that was with you right now.
food has never tasted as bad. colors have never seemed as dull. shopping has never been so boring. ciggarettes could possibly the only thing that can get you through the day.
the smoke rises. the smell fills you. the four walls start to draw closer meaning to you. memories flashback to all the bad moments. tears roll down your cheeks, and before you notice, your a wailing baby, just waiting. waiting to be saved.
you wish people went away. you wish they all didnt stare in expectance. you wish they got a life already and just walked away. you wish you had a moment alone. where you could be yourself in front of everyone and not make a scene.
seeing that it was never going to happen.
you wish they just all disappeared.
the blood flowing through you is probably deoxygenated by now. you have been cooped up in an enclosed area for 72 hours. there has been no air space. no redemption of life.
you wonder if you'd make it out alive. and if you did. you wonder if you'd make a good book about the life of a loner.
you dont know if you can move on. you dont know if you will find another person to measure up. you make believe that everything will be fine.
you live in denial.
anger turns to hate. tantrums turns to lashes of attention.
he gives you all the undividing attention now. but you still cant kiss him. you cant reach over and lean in and kiss him. those lips you once trembled upon. the lips you once dream about.
all you do is hate hate hate him even more.

edit: i've been fine without you for so long, but i fall upon a memory, and its got me thinking of you all over again.



listening to: Howie Day - Collide


feeling: astonished



craving: essence of life?



obsession: if you hadn't noticed. i fell in love in a flash of light. so my obsession would only be one thing. its him!






In Death, All Lives Are Saved <3