Scent Of Freedom

" When a captured moment is what makes you think back to the day you should have done something drastic with your life, but you turn around and realize that your just hours to late, and regret doing something as stupid as what you just did. "



I get it. I'm the worst. I'm boring. I'm everything you imagined a local to be. So save me from your words. Of what you call truth. Of what i beg to differ as discouragement. I've run away from you too often. I've let you turn everything and blame me for whatever you wanted to. But now. After seeing you turn cold & bitter. I dont think i can no longer handle you the way you would be if i weren't with you.



Maybe your right. Maybe it would have been a better bet if you hadn't met me. If we hadn't met at the cafe. If i hadn't given you that half smile, which compelled you to start making snide comments which you and your friends thought were utterly bemusing.



In alot of ways. I sit here and thank you. Thank you for all the things you changed within me. But despise you for the fact that your ignorance has got me wanting more of you each time. I was neither interested or apprehended by you. It would have been a wonderful bliss if you came and left. But you didn't. Instead. You lingered on. And you wanted more.



Did i want more at that time? I'm not completely sure. I'm not even sure i want something more now. I would have been fine if you left us as friends. Instead, hanging out with your truly understanding yet complex friends that got me talking, i started taking interest in you. Something i thought i would never do in a million years. But i did. How did it start? How will it end was the only thing in my mind.
Well, guess where i am now. Guess what your doing now. Proves me point. Good!



My dramatic behaviour and wonderful friends that have got me revolving is what ticks you. The way i handle things, and live up to other people's expectations is what disgusts you. Yet somehow. I could care less what you think of my friends, and what they think about you. Cause i'm the one that got with you. And i'm the one that am still with you. And i'm the one thats actually having to deal with problems. Not them. Not you. Not anyone else.



You think your some hotshot. Maybe you are. Coming from two different worlds, i would expect you to understand the culture shock, and intimate differences. But now, you lash out on everything that is not expected by you. And i'm suppose to kneel down and beg for sympathy? Highly unlikely honey.


Somewhere in between caring and forgiving, i lost myself in you. I fell in love with you. Oh kill me butch cause i fell in love with someone i barely even know. Its better than sitting at home and doing absolutely nothing with life, and just wishing you had done something differently. Well this was very different. A different amazing maybe!


Like you've said before. A promise is a promise. And it doesnt mean anything until its kept fully. Well. I've broken 2 promises to you. Heh. Its countable on one hand. Yours. Please. Even you wouldnt know where to begin with. Cause there's just to many for us to barely count with your hands.


Your intellectual understanding for most things amaze me. You hardly process or understand anything i say. Yet have so much shit to say about me. One day, you should sit down with me over your favorite, and greatly to say, my favorite caramel frappacino. And we'll discuss how you think and where you get your knowledge from. Obviously school doesn't teach you stuff like this. And if it did. Well. You shouldn't be going there then.


You started with a. 'I think your cute'. You ended with a. 'Dont make it worse tonight'. Its amazing how words can turn around and stab you in the chest before you realize that you have to let go. So is today the day i let go of you? Is today the day i make drastic changes to change you and me? Is today the day i do anything at all besides cry and loathe and wish something better would happen?

Would you be happier if we were not together? Would you have led a better life? Would have been any different from what you are now? Endless stories from numerous people have now got me thinking that i was bad luck. As a friend of mine once said. I carry on the whole 'philippa luck' shit! So maybe that's it!


You keep denying the obvious, as though its going to save you a hell lot of time. Its been a week. 7 days. maybe not exactly. but you know what. i'm lazy as hell to count the number of hours i've had to wait. Well, i'm happy to say that you put me out of misery the other day, when you told me what you told me. Yet. The fights begun as soon as you said it? Maybe things were better when we didn't know what we were.

You might be a million miles away. But trust me. Your the same man you can be wherever you are.

Ignorant.
Temperamental.
Rude.
Harsh.
Obnoxious.
Bossy.
Not Understanding.
Drama King.
Dead Threatening.


Do you see that list? Do you see how many bad things i can list of you.
Now lets try the number of good things i can say about you and not miss a heart beat.

Loving.
at times Caring
at times Sweet
at times Polite


So comparatively the bad list is longer that the good list.
But you know what. I still love you as much as i did the first time i told you i love you.
I mean. How much more damage can you do to me till you realize that i hurt everytime you hurt?
Just because i dont do drugs. Or turn to alcohol when i'm pissed off doesn't mean i dont vent out anger and frustration.
I probably have alot more of those than you. All bottled up. Hidden from you.
It's all for the best.




So. Save me the lecture. Save me tantrum. Save me the fight. And just straight up tell me waht you want. You may never read this. But i couldn't honestly care less.

i miss my asian chica!


i miss my clubbing partner


i miss my ancient nigga


i miss my crying & emo partner


i miss ishraa!


i miss amunda!

edit: The weird thing about love is that you fall so hard so fast that you will barely realize how when its all pulled from underneath you.


listening: Aly & Aj - Chemicals React


feeling: rude


obsession: magazines :)


craving: candy baby!



When i said i need you to need me from now on, i actually meant it with full force and not a half hearted smile. Learn the difference <3