Can You Help Me

Yesterday was like my pissing and emo day. literally. and of course. my oh so faithful jenna had to put up with it. but whatever. she loves me. so screw you!
I emo-ed with her. I studied. I watched TV. I slept. I sorta ate. I did like alot of things on my off day (: wooohooo!
The weekend is coming. And thank god i have a million things to do. (: "As Long As It Helps Me Get My Mind Off What You Just Told Me, It's Fine"....

NEW YORK (AFP) - Actor Heath Ledger, 28, who rocketed to fame in his role as a gay cowboy in the Oscar-winning movie "Brokeback Mountain," was found dead in his New York residence on Tuesday, police said.

Police sources told US media that prescription pills were found in the apartment and said signs pointed to either an accidental overdose or suicide. His family in his native Australia described the death as "accidental."

HEATH LEDGER DIED =(

Toby's coming back for the weekend. Just cause i asked him too (: I'm super lucky to have friends like him and jenna.
Well. Kesh did his part as well. He called and tried to comfort me. But hell. No offense but it did not help. Cause well. He did the same damn thing!.
So its turns out that music does help heal the soul. So what if it's not that effective. Hell. It's alot better than thinking about it 24-7.

Right now. It's not like unforgiveness is going to come oozing out of me. But you know why. Cause its actually pretty much an unforgivable thing that you did. So what if you dont like me like this? So what if you think i'm a big bittchh now? It doesnt matter what you think. Yes it does matter what you feel, cause you are a person.
But did it ever once strike up the thought of how i felt, or how i MIGHT have felt at that time?
No obviously not
Secrets are meant to be kept
But honestly.
Not a big enuff secret as this.
I'm loosing all patience and motive with this situation.
And yeah.
Its annoying




But you clearly see me dealing with it well! God damn you for what you did. Yeah. Hell Yeah. Im pissed. Im upset. Im hurt. But clearly. It never mattered to you.


Current Troubles:
1) Monthlies Next Week
2) I'm taking literature and i dropped add math!
3) Catch up on Science work
4) Ryan
5) yOu
6) Meet up with jillie
7) See toby this weekend, eventhough monthlies are next week.
8) Set apart dates of when Nikki and Toby come back
9) plan jenna's thing!
10) update myself with the latest gossip in my friends lives



oh fucckk, the list just goes on and on!
I'm clearly not in the mood to be emo!
but OBVIOUSLY i am!


Toby and I are going to pavillion to buy him new clothes. Later on. He's gonna practice his cooking skills on me. Later on. I'm going home like a good girl and sitting my arse down and studying. But you know what. Every inch of everything just reminds me of you! So its complete bull when i tell myself that i WILL NOT think about you and what you've done.

I dont understand why i'm so damned upset. But i just am. And hell. I have the right to it!
Sometimes, when i lie down, i can feel your presence.
Sometimes, when i eat, i can see you watching me intently
Sometimes, when i daydream, i very very rarely do it about you.

I know you know i'm hurting. I know you know i'm upset
I know you know i'm scarred.
But i know you dont know what i feel.

I feel like telling you that there is so much more to life. But i dont really know if there is.
I cant sit here and judge you. I cant sit here and tell you what you should do.
I cant lean over, lift you're head and tell you that there is hope for you.
I cant hope that there is something better you should be doing
Cause honestly. I dont know if there is.
Lies were meant to be revealed. Yes they were.
But clearly not in this manner.

You know. I know . We know. What it feels like to be in this position
Lies. lies and more lies.
What am i suppose to turn around and say?
" It's okay, i forgive you, let's get on with it then"
i cant
When i think of looking at you
I know.
I will turn my head in disgust.
i know i will feel like running the opposite direction the moment i see you
i know i will want to be free of this..

I wish it were all a dream
I wish that there was something more to this story
Where its all a happy ending
But i know.
that there's no more
The only thing that could be more off, is more lies, more truth revealed.

You might regret it. But i clearly see it. I dont see you trying your ass off to make things better.
i dont see you making difference and trying to work it out

So what if i dont want to talk to you?
so what if i dont want to see you?
hell
if you wanted it
you would learn how to try
but clearly you dont!


Do whatever you want
You want me in you want me out
And yes it clearly is unbelievable to me.


** Boss. I Love You**

edit: End of the day, it was always about you, and how you felt, and what you wanted. What could else could you want tonight?

listening to: KCI and JOJO - All My Life. or The Afters - Beautiful Love!

feeling: distressed


As it Burns Through Me <3